Proper Cell Phone Etiquite, or How Nobody Wants to Hear Your Mouth.

Cell phones are one of the best things to happen to communication, and one of the worst. I am constantly torn between my love for my smart phone, and my absolute abhorrence of fucktards that don't understand the simple, basic rules of conducting themselves in public when it comes to the proper usage of these miraculous devices. So hark, fucktards! And hear ye well, for I shall impart unto you the sage wisdom of the modern age. 

1. Inside Voices:  Seriously, there is no need to yell into your cell phone, and even less need to yell into your bluetooth headset. Unless you are standing under a jet engine the person on the other end can hear you just fine...unless they are standing under a jet engine. In either case... hang up and try again later.

2. Bluetooth Headsets: No, seriously... you look like a douchebag. Unless you are driving, there is absolutely no need to wear the damn bluetooth. You don't need to wear it into the grocery store. You don't need to wear it in the restroom. Hold your phone like a normal fucking person. 

3. Driving: Get a hands-free unit or shut the fuck up. There is nothing in the universe important enough that you need to talk about it while drifting into my lane. Shut the fuck up and drive.

4. Content: If you are going to have a deeply personal conversation, do it somewhere private. The people in line behind you at the check-out don't need to hear about how well your vagina did at the gynecologists office, or how Uncle Skeevy touched your no-no spots as a child. Save that shit for your therapist's office or take it the fuck outside. 

5. Common Courtesy: (Note-I know, I know... there is no such thing as common courtesy these days) I may be biased by my years of service in the retail industry, but if I exert the effort to paste a plastic smile on my face and pretend to give a shit that you have walked up to my register by greeting you with a friendly hello then the least you can do is acknowledge my fucking presence by prying your cell phone away from your douchey face long enough to return the greeting. Hell, even a cursory nod in my direction would do more to appease my ire than your complete disregard. I realize that I am currently playing the part of a lowly cashier and that you are obviously far more important than me, but would it really kill you to show me a little bit of respect as a human being by asking the person on the other end of the conversation (who also probably thinks you're a tool) to hold on while you check-out?

5. When in doubt: Shut the fuck up. Seriously, nobody wants to hear your mouth.